I'm thinking of having a Scream - a- thon this week. Maybe watching Malcolm in the Middle or something.

I owe it to myself.

Anyway, how are you all?

I'm going to be more positive.

I'm NOT going to imagine my own death, because that's not fair to myself.

I am hard as a jawbreaker, and I was having a good year until that stupid dream kicked my anxiety into overdrive.

FUCK YOU, UNIVERSE! I'LL DO WHAT I WANT, WITHIN MY OWN LIMITS!

And if there's anything you want to do about it, you'll have to drag me screaming.

I am better than this.

So, I've been analyzing my dreams again and...guys...I think I'm going to hell when I die.

1. In the first dream I can remember, I was half-drowning, surrounded by freaky ghoulish things.
2. The third dream had Mary (scolding? I dunno...) me from a distance, with a sunset underneath.
3. The second dream had me dangling above what looked like hellfire.
4. The fourth dream had teenage girls knocking teeth out with hammers, sitting on dog fur as their leader held up a decapitated head with every tooth but the front two removed; the explanation being they'd sacrifice them to a demon of some sort. I saved one of the dogs, but it's still weird...did I mention this was in broad daylight?! And that when I woke up I can still remember the details of the teeth and the redness of the blood?

Update: 5/6. Mary plays a cameo role here, running away and leaving me to the devices of my old friend from high school, who rants about me abandoning her, then harangues me into going to her talent show against the wishes of my third grade teacher. I do, and lo and behold, a black cat shows up.

Me, my dad, his friend, another high school teacher. We've been at a grocery store, hunting down a box of Cheezits all day. She's just about given up, and her pink-dressed self asks, "Why are we doing this?" before the dream hurtles me partially back to dream #3.

Update: old guy is way too thrilled to see me in contrast to his guests, who all look like miserable Titian angels glaring at me while the guy continues to praise that I'm at the party, shooing me away before I can talk to them. Bizarrely typed note shows up with a misspelled follow scratched out in purple pen.

This feels...demoralizing. I mean, there's still hope, I can still be "good"...but...just...why?

Hello, all.

Going to finish writing.

How's it going, y'all?

Doin' pretty good on this end and goin' to chill, mostly.

Here's a picture of a got milk ad:

How's everyone doing?

I'm gettin' back to writing, doin' pretty well since yesterday.

Can't wait for the weekend.

O.K. So, here's the good news.

I drank my tea, and it was good.

Gonna keep the smell around for a while.

Here's the bad news:

• I think the demons are getting worse - I tried choking myself with a rosary and ended up near puking.
• I'm still going to write Solve Et Coagula's pitch bible, it's just going to be a little harder...
• I'm a little woozy, which sucks. Blegh.
• Gonna need more tea. Tea helps for a little bit. Feels good.
• I'm not sure what they want, but I'm gonna try to ward them off anyway so I can finish this.

Edit: whoa. They're gone - for now...but that was an odd jolt of the senses.

I should get some tea in the morning and start my day earlier, since I didn't get to write the rest of my fanfic today - I was all spaced out, ya know? Spaced out and distracted again with my karma knocked out, it seems.

Need to chill out, ya dig me?

So, how are y'all doin' on this Wednesday?

It's Tuesday,

I'm in mild pain,

I'm going to finish a chapter of my off-the-cuff Wild Thornberrys fanfic,

and write in my journal a little bit more. Maybe watch a movie.

That's my plan for the day, what's yours?

Another week is afoot, and I am taking a small sabbatical from the project I'm working on to spend more time here because I give a shit about you all and I want to try and interact like a normal human being.

So, how are you? What hobbies do you all have? What is your favorite type of art?

I'm personally in adoration of paintings and landscapey art like this.

So, it's the end of yet another weekend and I feel pretty good about myself right now. I'm 4 pages into my pitch bible and I'm feeling light and happy...I'm also feeling really sleepy for some reason all week. Strange.

How are you all tonight?